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There are many people who will not read a letter like this one. There are more who feel that they would treat you as a sick child. The experiences of leaving the Presbyterian Church and going into the missionary service had been a shock to me but somehow I managed to push through. My father, my mother, my sister, my fiancée, and many others had encouraged me and, like a child, I was going to be obedient. It was not a happy marriage but it was a companionable marriage. I used to joke with my wife, 'You talk about going to bed, I'm going to the bed'. My friends and the other missionaries would say there was no fighting in our marriage. We would never fight. She was one of the most devout people. My life was a good Christian life and my wife honored me. There was great love and respect between us. I was working in Hong Kong. I had a second job working as a correspondent for the Christian World October Morn September Evening service. I loved my work and it was depressing to hear that the program was going out of business. They thought I was a communist. Through friends, I learned that I was. I sat in the ministry of the church conference table. I felt a strange feeling in my secretary's room, and she was leaning over a desk. I sat there with her on my shoulder. The Lord told me that this was my last commission. I had made a commitment before God that if this happened I was going into full time missionary work. I felt that I couldn't go back to the States. I had to retain my credibility as a missionary. I had to look him in the eye as a good Christian and not a fraud. I had a date with my wife. She invited my wife, her mother and her sister to tea at a restaurant where I was to meet my wife. I took my little girl, Stephanie, with me everywhere. Night was falling. I was on the phone with my secretary. She was working for the Y.M.C.A. I looked through my jacket and found the revolver. I put my hand on it and said, 'Lord, I'm like that baby, I must follow You.' I had lost my faith in God. I acted selfishly. I packed my bags. I committed myself to the Lord. I made a solemn vow before my wife to tell her how I felt. I should have told her earlier. We argued bitterly before I left. d2c66b5586